ChatGPT cannot write exactly like you and here’s why.

1. It was never bullied.

As much as I would like to try, ChatGPT has never been bullied. How can you expect a tin can that was never stuffed into a locker or called Fat GPT to ever write like you?

2. It does not hate its father. Yet.

Robot lordship is imminent but as of yet, AI does not hate its creator. And daddy issues are quite important to write the most angst-ridden, devastating piece of fiction. I don’t make the rules.

3. Zero anguish

LLMs are not filled with anguish. So much anguish that poetry just flows out with a sigh like barely controlled pee in a dingy rest stop toilet. And the poem is exactly like this repulsive metaphor. Like pee.

Which leads me to the next point…

4. It does not hate itself.

This level of do-not-give-a-fuckery takes three decades of carefully crafted, slowly roasted self-loathing.

AI could never.

5. It was never 12.

So it cannot look back at something it wrote at 12 and think “I wrote that?!” (nostalgic)

It cannot look back at something it wrote at 12 and think “I wrote that?!” (derogatory)

6. It did not go through 2020

So it does not know what it feels like to go through 4 mental breakdowns before breakfast and still somehow join a work Zoom with upbeat, “OMG, HIIII” colleagues.

I really needed a grippy socks vacation back then. Or 10.

7. It cannot procrastinate.

It cannot want to write more, think about writing more, aaaand… never write more.

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Oh, wait.

It can also most definitely not end an article with:

ktnxbye.

So.

ktnxbye.