I turned 31 a few months back. “You’re still young” has officially curdled into “You’re not so young anymore, Shruti,” and my knees now launch a full-blown orchestra of pops and creaks every morning just to acknowledge the rising of the sun.

I used to scoff at the “thirties are different” crowd. I figured it was just propaganda designed to sell us more multivitamins and Pan-D. IYKYK.

And yet, I worry about my mom getting older, my gut health being in the pits, and the terrifying amount of hair I’ve lost fielding questions about why I haven’t popped out 2.5 children yet.

Oh, and I cannot afford the urban Indian dream of owning a 3.5BHK in a reputed gated society either. I don’t even know how many zeroes a crore has. Go figure.

At least there’s my dream job, I guess?

No, not content marketing which is what I work in right now.

No, sir.

I want to be a cow.

Sorry, STR, but I have to talk about our favorite animal.

The case for being a cow

I’ve never seen a creature more relaxed than a cow, out grazing in the fields.

When it isn’t grazing, it’s gazing off into the distance with all the poise of a philosopher.

It’s enjoying the sun.

THE SUN. While my vitamin D deficiency makes me lightheaded if I stand up too fast.

A cow does not worry about the Instagram algorithm.

It does not worry about being a middle manager who “meets expectations” with no sign of career progression for the rest of its life.

And it most definitely does not worry about giving itself tension headaches from frowning at screens all day.

Dream life, I swear.

But if I were a cow…

I’m sure I’d find something to worry about anyway.

I would absolutely stand in lush, green pasture, chewing the finest grass bovine paradise has to offer and be worrying about:

• Why is that cow getting more ear scratches than me?
• Do I have grass stuck between my teeth?
• I should really be doing something more meaningful with my grazing hours.
• Why don’t Nandini or Aavin give me royalties for featuring me so blatantly on their packaging?
• Am I even a good cow?

I’d be the only cow on the field ruminating (literally!) over my life.

So, do cows get tension headaches? Probably not.

They have the grace to just exist.

Meanwhile, I am over here, at 31, wondering how I can transform myself into an actual cow.

Welp.

Back to the keyboard. I have a deadline to meet, and acid reflux to treat.